a visit from cedar waxwings

journal entry

I slipped my favorite thick turtleneck sweater over my head before I headed towards the kitchen. My farmer had left earlier so the house was quiet expect for the furnace running warm. I greeted my four legged companion, wished him a good morning before I opened the front door to let him out. My garden sat there just beyond our home, patiently waiting for the sun to warm its’ ground. Spring was just around the corner and I was dreaming of sowing peppers and cucumbers and sugar snap peas. I could see in my thoughts the colors of the parrot tulips and breaded irises and daylilies pushing through the earth that would soon wake. I stepped back inside and headed back to our warm kitchen. I took out a small pot and sat it upon my favorite burner, the one in the lower right hand corner. It warms up quick and even. I was in the mood for oatmeal, my favorite during the cold winter season that would soon be over. I put a measurement of oats in the pot, a double measurement of water, and a dash of cinnamon before turning around to grab a spoon to blend it together. As I turned, a movement outside our windows, at the top of the trees caught my eye. I peered closer and realized it was from the elusive cedar waxwings that stop here on their way to somewhere else. This year is the first I have actually laid my eyes upon them, and I wanted as many photos as I could before they moved on. So I left my oats there on the stovetop, grabbed my camera and stealthily stepped out onto our porch. The sharp, bright and clear notes of a cardinal first greeted me, followed by a few robins’ songs. I slowly worked my way around the edge for better viewing. And brought my camera up as smoothly as I could as so not to scare them. Through my lens, I could see their yellow silkiness perched upon the bauble-like buds draped across the branches and against the blue sky dappled with clouds. It made for a striking contrast. Their masked eyes turning this way and that. I was able to capture them through a few clicks of my camera before they flew off. It was then I noticed that though the sun was bright, the air was cool, and my stomach let me know it was time for breakfast. I abandoned our porch and stepped back inside, and moseyed to the kitchen to finish cooking my oats. I stirred them occasionally and my nose welcomed the warm spicy scent. I brought down a hefty handmade bowl with a golden brown glaze that I bought on a trip last summer, and scoop the cooked oats into. I sprinkled broken pieces of pecans, added half a diced banana and drizzled the whole with maple syrup. I carried my breakfast into our living room where the morning light was kissing the green plants that sat on the floor. I need to repot several of them, making a note in my mind to dig out larger pots later this afternoon. I was once again brought to the view outside our windows by several wings gliding on the air, thankful for this slow delightful way before I started my busy to do list of the day.

in other news…

as you can see, it’s been a bit since i have met you here. there have been lots of changes to my creative life. but i am slowly finding me way back to it. it will just look a bit different. i have learned the past couple of years, that i need to take time to enjoy life as it comes. to enjoy the simple and the slow. to rest my weary and worn out body. that what i deemed important and therefore needed to be done at this moment, actually does not. that includes any of my creative avenues. however, i will still be sharing those creative endeavors with you as they come to me. first of all, there will be more journal entries like the above. i have not been quiet about my battle with anxiety. how i have been fighting it has been shouted form the roof tops, in hopes that it would also help those who also suffer. journaling as helped me beyond measure and i want to continue to encourage you to start if you haven’t.

so i will sign off for now. i hope you all have a blessed week.

gathering gratitude | volume 1 issue 2 : growing in undesirable conditions

ahhh. it’s summer in nebraska.

it’s hot. humid or dry. depending on the amount of rain we receive. basically….it’s just plain miserable. why do i…we, live here?

this summer we have only received about 2-3 inches of rain since may. the first of june, we saw several days in the 100’s. that’s pretty early for that kind of heat. the pastures are drying out. there are large cracks forming in the earth. we have to water the garden couple times a week. it’s just plain miserable… why do i live here again?

i’m more of a mountain girl. rock outcroppings. pine trees. babbling brooks. mountain lakes. cooler days. crisp nights. the smell of campfire on the air. yep. that’s where i want to live. but…my husband farms. so there’s that. not much farm ground in the mountains.

a couple of weeks ago, i was feeling restless. it was a cool, cloudy morning with a promise of rain. and i needed out.

so i grabbed my camera. jumped in our vehicle, and headed for the back roads. i don’t know what i was expecting to see. but what i saw was not it.

all these wildflowers bloomed and are thriving in spite of the undesirable weather conditions. for me, they are an indication that life doesn’t have to be perfect in order for me to do what God created me to do. they were made to thrive in these conditions. i am also made to thrive in undesirable conditions. i still can live my life full of gratitude. i don’t have to have the perfect home. live in the perfect area. the right amount of money. i don’t need skills and talents like her. God created me for this. and placed me here for a reason. whatever that is. but where i am weak, He is strong. i can still be a blessing to someone. i can still create art. i can still be thankful.

where can you thrive despite not being in your ideal place?

heritage crafts | volume 1 issue 2 : making brooms

this last spring…i lost my dustpan.

i couldn’t find it anywhere. and this wasn’t the first time. about 15 years ago, i lost my dustpan. we had just moved out on the farm, and i wasn’t willing to drive to town to get another one.

so i made one.

yep…i did. i fashioned one out of some heavy cardstock i found in my craft supplies. and it worked. so well in fact, i used it for several years. until i was in town and decided to buy a real one.

so, when i lost my latest dustpan, i decided to make another one. but instead of cardstock, i used a heavy piece of leather…again…found in my craft supply stash. i measured and cut out a pattern from some heavy kraft paper. i folded it. taped it. just to make sure it was the size i needed. then i undid it, flatten it out, and traced it onto the leather. after molding and scraping and stitching the leather together; and adding a hanging handle of sorts out of braided leather lacing, it was complete.

and i love it!

but…i wanted to display it. not hide it in my mudroom closet. and it needed something else.

a handmade broom.

i found a few youtube videos showing the how-to-process. it looked easy enough. finding the broomcorn proved a bit more difficult. i finally found a broom making supply shop online and order the necessary supplies. when it showed up the following week, i couldn’t wait to tear into the box. the second i did, i was hit with a warm, sweet scent of dried grass/wheat/hay. it smelled of summer.

i actually closed my eyes and took a slow, deep breath.

then i got to work, dividing the broomcorn into piles. first, larger piles, then one large pile became eight small piles. found my twine and scissors. and sat down to start winding my broom. memories went through my mind…

…sliding down haystacks in the middle of winter with my cousins. gliding my hand up a grass stem, collecting the grass seed to scatter about in front of me. walking through a wheat field…

the mere act of creating something so simple. so basic. so utilitarian…calmed my anxious thoughts. and i think that was a turning point for me. i realized that i craved that simple life. that life that i had read about in books. books like the little house on the prairie. anne of green gables. i have been drawn to that lifestyle for decades, but believed i couldn’t achieve it in this modern world. how wrong i was.

i have started to make some changes in my choices. in our home. in what i buy. in what i do. in what i see. i’m learning that less really is more. that keeping up with the jones is exhausting. and expensive. loud colors, patterns and noise makes me anxious. clutter makes me really anxious. so i’m making hard decisions. i am sorting. and i am pitching out.

all thanks to a little handmade broom.

“create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.”

— Psalm 51:10

heritage crafts | volume 1 issue 1 : hand dipped beeswax candles

i have always been drawn to lights in the midst of darkness. stars. bonfires. lightening bugs. twinkling christmas lights. and candles.

i would watch these for hours if i could.

my husband is pretty sensitive to smells. i’ve tried different kinds of candles with the same result. and it is not pretty. an almost instant headache for him. with him covering his nose and mouth and running either outside or to the basement. so when i accidently found a post about making your own beeswax candles, i thought i would give it a try.

we are at the beginning of the coldest week we’ve had yet this winter. plus snow. it makes for a wonderful time to stay inside and make candles. the warm smell of the honey scented beeswax fills our home.

did you know that burning beeswax actually cleans the air? when beeswax burns, they produce negative ions. they attach to the positive ions of dust, pollen, toxins, mold, etc. causing them to fall to the floor. beeswax candles are great for those that suffer from allergies. plus they produce a warm honey scent that is not overpowering. my husband actually comments on how good they smell. and he gets no headache from them…

beeswax also burns clean. it is virtually smokeless and dripless. it will drip if placed in a draft, so watch for that.

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so now…here are the supplies you will need to make your own hand dipped candles.

-a double broiler or a large pot for water and a container for your beeswax | this could be a recycled food tin. or check your local thrift shops for pots. one thing to remember when looking for your wax containers. the larger the container, the more wax you will need. the shorter the container, the shorter your candles.

-wick | the wick i used is unavailable right now but this one is close. this size of wick works good for candles that are about an inch in width. any smaller and you will need a smaller size wick. possibly a #3/0.

-beeswax | you can check with your local beekeeper or order online. amazon and etsy are both places where i have gotten beeswax. just be sure that the beeswax is 100% and is filtered. and you want either the top comb or the general beeswax. the brood wax, which is dark brown, while great for other applications, is not good for burning candles. you will need more wax then you think. i make 8 pair at a time which only weigh slightly over a pound but i actually need about 4-5 pounds of wax total. i’ll explain why in the tutorial below.

-something to hang your candles on | i use a wooden yard stick across my kitchen shelves.

-a wooden spoon or something to gently stir your unmelted wax into melted wax.

- a sharp knife or scissors

-the candlestick you plan on using with your candles should be within reach

-newspaper to cover your working surface.

one thing to keep in mind. what ever you use for your candle making will only be used for candle making in the future. beeswax is extremely hard to clean off of surfaces, and while not toxic, you don’t want to use your good kitchen items to make candles.

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one important thing to remember. never melt your beeswax directly on the stove. always use a double broiler. beeswax can start on fire when it gets too hot. and it will burn very hot.

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the thing that takes the longest is getting your wax melted. the container i use is roughly 8 inches tall. and it takes about 4 hours to melt enough wax to fill it. so first thing in the morning i start my wax melting, so by after lunch, i can start dipping.

#1 | measure the inside of your wax container. then substract about an inch or two. this will be the length of your candles. cut your wick double the amount plus 2-3 inches. this will allow you to hang your candles. i work with eight pair at a time.

#2 | cover your work surface. fill your container with wax, put it in a pot, then add the water. fill your pot full. the more full of water, the less chance of your wax being too cool at the the top. keep an eye on the water level to make sure it doenst get too low throughout the process. turn on your burner to medium low. you dont want to boil your wax but your water can be at a simmer or low boil.

the beeswax pellets are easy to use, but if you have a block of beeswax, you can put it in a clean garage bag and stick it in the freezer for a couple of hours. then in order to break the chunks up, drop it on a concrete floor. its much easier on your hands then shredding or cut the with your hands.

as your wax melts, add more wax until it reaches almost to the top of your container. my container took about 4 pounds of wax to fill it.

#3 | you will need to prepare your wick. to do this, fold your long pieces of wick in half and dip into the melted wax. you will see tiny air bubbles.

remove when the bubbles stop. this will only take a few seconds. this allows the wick to soak up the wax. this in turn, will cause an even burn.

#4 | when you have prepared a couple of wicks. go back and straighten them out with your fingers. pull evenly on both ends. you will need to do this while its still warm, but dont burn your fingers. if you wait too long, the wax will cool. and you could crack the wax.

just keep going back and forth, dipping and straightening. once all the wicks are prepared and straighten, start dipping again. but this time, dip straight in and pull straight out. you don’t need to keep the wick in long. in fact, if you leave it in too long, you will melt the wax off of your wick. you will need to straighten out the wicks for the first 3-4 times you dip them. just pull on the ends like you did at the beginning. after that the candles should stay straight. once the last set is done, the first set is cool enough to dip again.

remember to keep an eye on the water level adding more as needed. also add more wax as needed. you need to keep your melting container full.

#5 | as you can see in the photo above the candles start to get a pointed end when the wax runs and cools on the bottom. take your knife or scissors and cut the bottom off. be careful not to cut too much off or you will expose the wick. but if that happens, just take some scissors and cut the exposed part off.

#6 | dip your candles again 1-2 more times. then grab your candlestick and see how well your candles fit. you may need to dip several more times. watch for the wax forming a pointed end. on the bottom.

here is my batch of hand dipped beeswax candles. pretty, aren’t they! my candles ended up about 7 inches tall and 7/8” in diameter. these probably took anywhere from 20-30 dips to create. burn time is roughly 4-5 hours. i do let my candles cure for about 24 hours before i use them and do notice a longer burn time when that cure time is allowed.

now… if you run out of beeswax to melt and your level of melted beeswax is too low to create the taller candles, you can either make shorter candles, or even a set of birthday candles. for the birthday candles, you will need a smaller wick like a #5/0 size. this way they don’t burn too fast. or you can just keep your wax in you melting container, let it cool, and store it for the next time you want to make candles.

i hope you try this! it is also a great craft to do with your kids. just watch out for warm wax and little fingers.

and remember…always trim your wicks on your finished candles to a 1/4 of an inch and never leave a candle burn unattended.

gathering gratitude | volume 1 issue 1 : the lesson of fog

the backside of our property

this morning we woke up to a stunning, fog-filled, frost-covered landscape. and i couldn’t wait to get out and try to capture it with my camera.

it did not disappoint. the views were stunning.

a corn field

dried sunflowers clothed in frost

i love fog. especially when its frozen on the landscape. it quiets the world around me. it quiets my thoughts. i tend to look towards the future. the possibilities. both the good and the bad. i imagine what could happen. usually the disaster, the loss, the setbacks.

i can, and mostly do, catastrophe everything.

but the problem with that is…

i lose focus of what is right in front of me. i sometimes fail to see the goodness of the Lord right in front of me. the gifts He has placed in my path to lift my spirits. to make me smile. to make me feel loved. i fail in obedience of what He has called me to do at that moment. and all because i am looking at the future with fear. and not trust.

fog literally, makes me focus on what is right in front of me. simply because i can’t see anything beyond a few hundred yards. i can’t see anything up ahead.

oddly enough… i feel safe when it’s foggy. secure. protected.

“the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.”

— Lamentations 3:22-23

i one thing i have learned with dealing with anxiety these past four years is… i am not meant to know the future. neither the good nor the bad. i need to learn to lean on my heavenly father. i need to trust Him. He knows that whatever the future brings that i couldn’t handle the knowing. so i believe He sends the fog as a reminder…

to just focus on today. on this hour. on this moment. and He will provide all that i need.

learning to slow down...

our world has gotten too loud.

we all are shouting. the need for our voice to be heard has drowned out the voices next to us. we have forgotten how to listen. we hear the cries for help…but do we take the time to really listen without adding to the upheaval?

our world moves too fast.

from instant messaging to pre-packaged meals to overbooked schedules, we have forgotten how to slow down and stop and notice the world around us. as someone who has battled severe anxiety and panic attacks for the past 4+ years, i have come to realize that i am guilty of both. moving at fast pace. filling my schedule with “the next thing”. i now know it was a way that i protected myself. i chose not to listen to others. to share in their pain, because it would quickly become my own. if i didn’t slow down, settle in the quiet, be present in a moment, that meant i couldn’t hear my own anxious thoughts. moving from one project to another, i kept my mind as busy as i possibly could to drown out the voice in my head and the voices beside to me.

and i couldn’t handle any more pain. any more loneliness. any more hardships,

or quite frankly, any more reasons to celebrate.

my nervous system was completely full. overflowing. i couldn’t handle one more emotion of any kind. and that is not living. only surviving and barely at that.

“the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. i came that they may have life and have it abundantly”

— john 10:10

home

my word for the year came unexpected. it wasn’t even on my radar. it came just a few weeks ago…in the middle of another sleepless night. “home”. you see…i have been wanting to run away. literally move somewhere else. i told my husband i would take him with me, but i needed to go. go where no one knew me. where i felt like i could breathe again. away from the painful memories that followed me where ever i went. in his wisdom, he said “running away won’t fix your problems. they will just follow you, no matter where you go.”

so on that sleepless night, i read something, somewhere. “build homes, and plan to stay. plant gardens, and eat of their produce.” jeremiah 29:5. i had never seen that verse before. and at the moment i knew…i wasn’t going to be going anywhere. God was telling the exiles to stay and make a home and prosper. and He was telling me to do the same. but i needed to do it His way. not mine.

also in that same week, i came across a word. hygge. pronounced hoo-ga. i had seen it before, but didn’t fully understand the meaning. there are no english words that translate hygge. it is a danish word that loosely means a quality of coziness or wellbeing. it is about being present in a moment, either by yourself or with friends. think… candles, a home cooked meal, warm socks and blankets, putting down the phone, games. warm drinks, books, journaling and being in nature.

my great grandma came over from denmark, so i was wanting to learn more. danes are some of the happiest people on this earth. and they say its because of hygge. its gratitude. finding the sacred in the simple. slowing down, stopping and enjoying the company of others. living life abundantly. they take time out almost everyday to experience hygge. these are many things that many of us do. we just don’t do them enough. or we don’t appreciate it enough.

i live distracted everyday. as i’m sure some of you do. multi-tasking as we like to call it. but i have learned what stress and anxiety can do to my body. and my mind. and it is not pretty. it is not living the life that Jesus provides abundantly. i would like to use this blog to share some of my favorite things to do. create. and experience that help me live this life to the fullest. i want to live with intention. i’m tired of just surviving.

are you?

lessons as an empty nester

it’s been almost two months since our only child left for college. and it’s been a hard two months. there have a lot of tears, questions, letting go, and trusting. a door has closed. another one opened. not only for our daughter but for us. for me. as well. here are a few of the things i am learning…

#1 becoming an empty nester is an identity crisis

for almost eighteen years i have been a stay at home mom taking care of our girl. while i did have a couple of part time jobs while she was in school. she always came first. that meant i would take her to doctors appointments, school supply shopping. sign papers. and pick her up and take her to activities before she could drive. daily i would hear, “mom, could you do this?, mom, could you do that?, mom, don’t forget to sign this., mom, can we go shopping this weekend?, mom, i don’t feel good.” now, i am lucky if i hear “mom” more then once a week. yes…i do hear from her. and the questions have changed to “mom, which oats do i use to make overnight oats?, mom, what do you think about this option?”. but those aren’t daily instead, every couple of weeks.

the first couple of weeks. i would look at myself in the mirror. with tears. asking myself, “now what?” who am i now that i no longer have a child at home? what am i suppose to do? i am no longer a chauffeur, a doctor, helper. caregiver. plus we had made choices on what was best for her. what was best for our family as a whole. from the type of vehicle we drove, to the groceries we bought. to the activities we participated in. no…we didn’t let her dictate our lives. she didn’t demand from us. or expect things from us. instead we chose based on how to make her comfortable. safe. how to teach her about life the best way we could. to take care for herself. physically, mentally, and spiritually. but now…those choices we make don’t impact her the same way. it’s just my husband and i at home now…how are we going to chose?

#2 i had become a recluse

living on a farm and as an extremely shy introvert, i didn’t reach out to friends. i looked at our daughter as a built in friend. if i wanted to go to a movie, i’d asked her. a gallery opening…she went as my guest. shopping trips and girls weekends away were always with my girl. i didn’t think i needed to reach out to others. besides it’s extremely hard for me to reach out. even on social media… really? yes… sheesh. (enter eye roll). but now i realize how wrong i was. what i have missed within these walls of my comfort zone. i miss community. i miss sharing life. experiences. with others.

i have to force myself now, to reach out to friends. for coffee. for a slice of pie…caramel apple, yum! i’m going to force myself to go to a movie. eat at a restaurant. by myself. or with a friend. to go to that event by myself. trusting God will be with me. who knows, maybe i will meet a new friend. i have learned that 12-14 hours, six days a week on our farm, with just our dog, while my husband works, is too much alone-ness. even for this extremely shy introvert.

#3 God has her in His hand. i can trust Him

having our girl attend college in another state, is, oh so hard, on this mama’s heart. i practically begged God, El Shaddai, to make her go to a different college. one in state, and closer to home. but these two months, i have realized she is right where she is suppose to be. she is thriving, making friends, likes (most) of her classes. joining clubs. and has a job. but it’s still hard for me to let go of control. God is showing me that she was His before she was ours. so even though it takes six hours for her to come home, is rock climbing…(yes! she joined a rock climbing club), is on a campus of 13,000 students and knows nobody, I can trust Him to take care of her. she is not letting go of Him. and He is not letting go of her.

where one season comes to a close, another one begins. God as allowed an open door. in that He has provided a tiny space. close to our downtown, that has become my art studio. and will soon be an art boutique. i am being forced to become part of our community. and while i’m excited to see God work in that tiny space, i have to admit i was sick to my stomach when i signed the lease. so here is to new beginnings…

“for everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.”

— ecclesiastes 3:1

the ending that needs a new name

you have probably noticed that this is no longer admillsap studio. yep. sometimes in order for something to end and to allow something to begin, there needs to be a name change.

a foggy morning here on the farm

you see… when i first chose my business name, admillsap studio, i was signed up to attend art shows, and galleries. i opened my etsy shop, ordered business cards, and started this website. then in just a few short weeks, i started to battle against severe anxiety and panic attacks. you can read about that here and here.

and for the next three years, i have battled against fear, anger, frustration, and simply… fighting to get back into my studio. if you follow me on instagram, you may have seen that i have indeed painted, sclupted, and created… but i lost most of my joy in it. my studio had become a place of…darkness. of intense fear. of i-don’t-deserve-this-space. so much so that one day, my mom came out to the farm to simply sit in my studio so i wouldn’t fear the place the once brought me so much joy. she sat with me, not speaking, but to just let me know i wasn’t alone. i was simply trying to fight against the darkness in the only way i knew how. then this summer a thought came to me (possibly the Holy Spirit?) that i need a fresh start. a new beginning. a new song. one where the name brought me hope, inspired me, and reminded me what i was created to do. to start again. and to do away with the name that came with a reminder of when the fear and panic started. to do away with the name that came with a reminder of all that i had loss.

so… introducing…

Plein Ayre Meadows

a place of fresh beginnings. of hope and peace. a place all about God and Jesus and less about me.

the fear trap, faith and the importance of self care. part two

welcome to part two.  in case you missed it, you can read part one here.

our pastor's wife spoke last week at a women's event at our church. she said that she has found that most women who have trusted Jesus for their salvation and eternal life, still have problems trusting God for their day to day life. i remember how hard it was for me to keep from bawling because that is what i am guilty of... and why is that? i was just baptized this spring... i felt like a hypocrite. it just occurred to me, that women on a whole, not everyone, but most rely on their emotions. we were created to be emotional people. we use our emotions to gauge situations and how we should respond. both good and bad. so if we cannot see God working in our life, hear Him speak or at the very least feel His presence, how can we trust Him? however the bible says we cannot trust our feelings. and for those who suffer from anxiety, it is much worse. our feelings tend to run away with us until our imaginations for worse case scenarios just became true if only in our minds. fear has a way to trap us there. and the enemy knows all to well how to use it so I could lose my effective God-given power. 

“the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. who can understand it?”

— jeremiah 17:9

i was fearful of driving, but i forced myself behind the wheel.

i was fearful of being around people, but i forced myself into group situations.

i was fearful of being alone, but i forced myself to stay home when i would rather follow my farmer husband around while he worked.

i was fearful of going to my studio to paint, {still can't figure this one out.} but i forced myself to paint when i didn't feel like it. 

i was fearful of what people would think if they found out what was going on with me.

i was fearful of losing the most important of relationships.

i was and still am a hot mess. even though i didn't see God doing anything to help me at the time, as i look back He is the one responsible for me able to do even though i was fearful. He gave me strength while i was weak.

'Under His Wings'

we must continue to go to God's word for the truth. proverbs 28:26 says he who trusts his own heart is a fool. ouch! this brings me to self care. self care seems like an oxymoron for a christian. shouldn't we just trust that God would take care of our needs? uh....yes, however God doesn't tell us to just sit and wait for Him to move. according to James 2:22~~You see that his {abraham} faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did~~works+faith=made complete. and in exodus 14:14 we see moses telling the israelites that the Lord will fight for them, they only need to be still. however in the next verse God says to moses...why are you crying out to Me? tell the israelites to MOVE! 

“do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? you are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.”

— 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

i use to think that taking time out for myself was selfish. that is not to say that i judged others for taking time out, but just how i saw it for myself. i thought that if i could just squeeze in a 5 minute devotional that would be plenty. if i just walked for 30 minutes once every week or two, that would help my health. and it didn't really matter what i ate as long as it was somewhat healthy. but i suffered. i was always tired, a tad grumpy and felt empty. it wasn't until this summer i realized that i needed to take care of myself. physically. mentality. and spiritually. so that i could continue doing what God called me to do.

i started going on 40 minute walks 4 times a week to improve my heart health and my breathing. saying no to caffeine and sugar. {bye, bye my beloved coffee!} trying to prepare healthier meals, and getting some much needed rest. the spiritual came as having quiet time just sitting with God, reading my bible, doing bible studies, listening to christian music, praying, and saying God's truth out loud in order to fight those lies.

the mental side of self care is harder to figure out. i am a people pleaser. i say yes when i want to say no. i do what others expect me to do. with every aspect of life, including my art. i was blessed by having two wonderful friends visit over the last weekend. we were talking about this battle and how each of us deal with it. one is an artist. she told me that she had finally finished a page in her journal about a very hard time in her life.  it wasn't until it was done that she could finally release the stress and anxiety that had held her captive. i am so encouraged to get back into my art journal. to create just for myself. and do more of my found poetry. i also know i need to learn to say no. that i wasn't created to be like her. or her. or that person. i was not made with a type a personality. i was not created to homeschool my child. work out of the home. cook everything from scratch. have a huge garden and can everything it produces. be a part of that PTA or other committees. or to have a full schedule. God created me differently. i need quiet. i need alone. i need art. 

am i healed? nope. not even close. i still have a long way on this journey. right now, i am at a crossroad. part of me wishes i never had to go through this. but nothing has ever drove me to my knees like this desert place. nothing has ever caused me to dig deeper in my bible like this valley. nothing has ever caused me to seek God quite like this darkness. i know that i will not be the same person walking out as i was being thrown in. and now i can honestly say that no matter what i have felt during these last three months, that God has been with me every step of the way. and that i good enough for me. 

so...if you read through this rather long post, thank you! here is a found poem i tried to create during the last couple of months. i wasn't able to finish until today. 

the fear trap, faith, and the importance of self care

this is part one of a two part post. 

this summer was a rough one for me. our daughter was dealing with a health fear...and i remember telling her that she could not let fear rule her life.  little did i know that i would have the opportunity to show her how. it all started as what i thought was a medical emergency, that turned into not as big as an emergency as i thought, but i still thought there was a much larger health issue that went undetected, that in turned caused me panic attacks and severe anxiety that caused heart palpitations, that caused more anxiety, that caused...  you get the point. it went round and round. 

i had forgot how to laugh.

i had forgot how to enjoy life.

i had forgot how much i enjoyed art.

i had forgot to look and see the gifts that God had placed in front of me.

i had forgot how to trust God.

i was in the deepest, darkest pit that i had ever known.

and i didn't think i would ever get out.

it wasn't until i reached out to my mentor and friend, that i finally saw a glimmer of light. after a month and a half, i finally was able to grasp a small amount of hope that i could, just maybe, get out. i started reading my bible daily, spending time in deep prayer, printing and taping bible verses around our home, reading christian blogs on dealing with anxiety and listening to podcasts on God's goodness. but i didn't feel much better. i was still waking up gasping for air, still crying almost daily, begging God to take my anxiety and fear away. the anxiety was starting to take a toll on my body. i felt myself wasting away...both physically and mentally. i was a sliver of who i had been before. and it scared me.

until one day my husband said to me that i had to let go of the stress. i told him all of what i had been doing. in his wisdom that God gave him...he told me that it didn't matter how much i was reading and praying, i had to actually let go. i'm sitting here in tears remembering that day, because at the time it hurt. i believed that if God wanted me healed, He would heal me. but God brought to my mind a verse... 

““Do not merely listen the the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.””

— James 1:22

my husband was right. it didn't matter how much i read my bible, i needed to act on it. i needed to believe it. i had to let go of control. of the stress. of expectations. of my thinking that i knew more then the doctors or, yes...even God. the doctors, by the way, cleared me of any heart issues. they say it is perfect condition. stress can cause heart palpitations. imagine that. so can hormones. and caffeine. and fatigue. oh goody. it's been a daily, sometimes, hourly, of letting go and letting God. i feel weak. and unusable. and not good for anything. and i have learned...that's right where the enemy wants me...

 i hope you'll come back for part two...

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. Be alert of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”

— 1 Peter 5:6-8