i brought some branches with blossoms in when i found out we were in a freeze warning.

spring has found its way here. though, it has felt like we went from the cool, damp, warm colors of autumn right into the soft pastels of spring. skipping winter all together.

my growing collection of small paintings.

i am enjoying watching sunsets now that the weather permits me to walk at dusk to witness the stain glass effect the clouds have with the darkened bare branches of the trees.

the past several months, i have been working on a collection of small paintings of the lakes in the Black Hills of South Dakota. and while that might not seem like much. this is a sign of victory for me. i have shared in the past about my struggles with anxiety. many years ago, i had my first panic attack while driving back to the farm from town. so with that, depilating anxiety and unrelenting fear had became my normal. it first stole my driving, then stole my ability to create. or more specifically, the joy i found in creating.

however…

this week though, is proof of my long, hard battle fought. i am not without scars or battle wounds. i still fight anxiety…it can sneak in when i least expect it. there have been plenty of, tears, frustration, and plenty of prayers, but i have finally found my way back to my studio. and have found that joy in creating. i am learning to think differently. i have learned that i need to be actively searching for beauty. because with beauty comes hope, and with hope, peace. and with peace… ultimately joy.

so that is what i have been doing. searching for beauty. in the place that surrounds us. in my creativity.

in myself.

i am also learning.

with my physical limits, i have learned that i need rest. my muscles and joints don’t appreciate being in one position for long. it doesn't like sitting in a chair with my feet on the floor. nor standing in one position for too long, such as doing dishes. so i take small breaks, sitting cross-legged on the couch. but my mind can still go in many different directions. i still struggle to get it under control and out of worse-case scenario thinking. so i need something to do in order to keep my mind and hands busy.

so i thought i would give crocheting a try.

i found some yarns in my stash that i have had for several years. i had bought them with the idea of weaving something. but instead, i found better yarn to weave with, so these just sat hidden away in a basket.

i have been wanting to try my hand at granny squares. so i thought this would be a great time to start. i found seven different wool yarns. ranging from a warm cream to grays and browns, to a steel blue. i have come up with fourteen different color pathways. my plan is to crochet enough for an oversized cardigan that i will be able to wear when the weather turns cooler again this fall.

i have noticed that with this learning of a new skill, my attention span has improved slightly. i begun to notice that i couldn’t focus on a task like i use to. i’m sure that partly that is due to my age. but mostly, i’m wondering if the world we live in is to blame.

everything has become instant.

food from a microwave. and fast food restaurants. to instant texts, messages, and emails. to streaming a movie or show immediately. the constant scrolling with new information every second. we are all reachable at any given moment. the world is too loud, too fast, and too demanding. and my thought process has suffered. i have found that crocheting a simple granny square has given me a bit of myself back. i can focus on the counting of stitches. the next color in sequence. and that has helped me read more than a few pages in a book. watch a movie without my phone in my hand. and even work on a project longer than a few minutes at a time without needing to do something new.

so this is where you will find me. i will keep learning new skills to help heal my mind and body. to fight the need for instant gratification. plus…i will have something useful.

and beautiful.